Which jewellery tribe are you? Do you stack the kids' friendship bracelets with leather thongs and inherited diamonds, or geek out over your jewellery’s provenance? Or are you more of a straight-up "gimme the crown jewels" gal? Your jewellery says masses about who you are.
Use our incredibly unscientific psychological profiling to find your jewellery tribe. Or test your friends – and discover their perfect gift.
You think a brown diamond is…
A | Pointless, the diamond equivalent of a chocolate teapot. You need your stones to burn the back of the retina and make everyone sick with jealousy. But you hear they are useful for cutting kitchen tiles.
B | Such a powerful stone for strengthening mental power. You actually have loads of brown stones, and especially would love wearing it with sphalerite for stimulating creativity.
C | Not sure, but it sounds filthy. Let's try it.
D | Common, very common. The odd "chocolate", "apricot" or "cognac" diamond has had its moment – Liz Taylor, the 1974 Oscars, and 32 brown carats by Van Cleef come to mind – but far more interesting to explore some of the rarer semi-precious gemstones.
E | Perfect to put next to orange sapphires on an ear cuff – it’ll look ace, and make all the old traditionalists on Bond Street start crying. Ha ha ha.
A man gives you a ludicrously lumpish brooch that once belonged to his late grandmother. Do you:
A | Break it down, let the jeweller keep the boring small stones as part-payment, and set the central stone into a shiny new ring.
B | Know he loves you – it's been in his family for more than a century, after all. But be terrified of the bad luck the emerald might bring.
C | Say, "WTF is that? It’s for old people."
D | Tell him it’s a nice gesture, but you can’t wear anything made pre the Kimberley Process. Then give him a lecture on ethical mining practices.
E | Pin it to a turban for New Year’s Eve in St Barths, relish how kind of regal it looks with your knitted-silk harem pants and Eres bandeau – then toss it in your jewellery box and forget about it?
Back at your mate’s for a late-night kitchen disco, you find a small diamond on the floor. Your first response is:
A | Size matters. You flick it in the ashtray and forget about it.
B | Turn up the lights and try to spot the woman with balayage. It'll be hers and she probably really misses it.
C | Pop it in your mouth. Your Aunty Bev's neighbour can probably fence it.
D | Yawn. Cushion-cut. So clueless. You recently got back from a moldavite hunting trip in Bohemia. You're all about keeping some of the stone's natural quality, but this is just ... dreary.
E | What kind of loser spots a stone on the floor when they should be dancing on the tabletop?
You're going down! But for your last night of freedom you can have any jewellery you want. What do you choose?
A | Just gimme the Crown Jewels. One of the greatest injustices on this earth is that Queen Elizabeth II had more carats than Waitrose and she never knowingly had any fun in them. Failing that, any whopper from Graff.
B | A smooth bluestone pebble you found as a child, a natural loose Ethiopian opal set in English oak and Welsh gold, and your lover's spelt banana bread with raw hand-churned butter.
C | A diamond-studded love bangle in every colour, like Cardi B got, right up to your armpits. Plus a "s**tload of rosé" and, seeing as there’s no point getting bikini-ready, a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket.
D | As you've spent your life piously virtue-signalling, the likelihood of your going to jail is nil. Stupid question.
E | Easy: a black-gold rainbow cuff and matching earrings by Solange Azagury-Partridge, a jeroboam of Belvedere (make that two), and 50 of your closest friends. To eat? Maybe chewing gum.
Add up your answers to discover the tribe where you belong
Mostly As: The Only Way is Epic. Rocks, big ones, preferably diamonds. That’s how you roll. People call you unimaginative but you know they’re just jealous.
Give her: Big stones, unapologetic, unadorned, very sparkly.
Mostly Bs: Woo-woo Stone Spook. The value of a piece is irrelevant to you, unless it’s mystical or sentimental. Stones come with endless meanings and you put your jewellery out in a full moon to "wash" it.
Give her: An original jade 15th-century meditation ring.
Mostly Cs: Basic Bitch and Proud AF. The concept of taste is anathema to you; it’s for uptight and prim people who can’t or won’t have fun with their jingle jangle. You’re like, loosen up, babes! Currently having some white-gold vampire teeth grills made by Johnny Dang. Constantly amazed by all these royal engagements that have such pissy tiny rings.
Give her: A Cartier love ring big enough for her middle finger, the one she loves holding up so much.
Mostly Ds: Woke Collector. Knowing everything and being righteous can be very tiring sometimes, for you, and for the rest of us. Take a leaf out of Basic Bitch and Proud AF’s book and lighten up a bit.
Give her: Something in fair-mined ethical gold and a sustainable lab-grown rock.
Mostly Es: Princess Sparkly Animal. You grew up around great jewellery and see it as an extension of your personality and wardrobe, never as a status symbol. You’re more than a bit spoilt, frankly, but you sure can get a party going.
Give her: Something fun and 18th-century, bought lovingly at auction, that she can briefly, passionately love before losing on a beach somewhere.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY Eleanor Parry-Hensley